You just want everyone to like you. So you are willing to do whatever it takes to get them to like you. No matter what they ask. NO matter what the cost is to you.
And what is that cost to you?
The cost is your confidence.
The cost is your ability to be authentic.
The cost is your ability to stand in your own integrity.
The cost is that you give away your power.
The cost is you lose yourself.
Here are five ways to STOP being a People Pleaser so that you can feel confident, be genuine, feel good about yourself, and get your power back.
Tip #1 Let people have their own opinion about you.
People Pleasers don’t want to say No because they are worried that other people will have a negative opinion about them.
Let them think whatever they want about you. That doesn’t make it true. In fact, people see you based on their own personalities, their own life experiences, their own histories, and their own values. You actually have very little to do with how they see you.
What other people think about you is 100% about them, not you.
Let them judge you.
Let them be wrong about you.
Let them think whatever they want.
The only thing that truly matters is what YOU think about you.
This will feel uncomfortable at first. DO IT anyway!
You know what happens in your comfort zone? NOTHING!
Tip #2 Stop automatically saying Yes. Instead, learn to automatically say “I will get back to you.”
This will give you the opportunity to decide if you really want to do this thing they asked you to do or not. It will give you time to script how you want to respond. It will give you time to gather up the courage that you will need to say No.
If they insist on an answer right way, then learn to automatically say, “If you need to know right this second, then the answer is no.
Tip #3 Use your strength of being empathetic when you say No.
If you are a People Pleaser, you are probably a very empathetic person. So use this strength when you say No.
I totally understand why you want me too…
I totally get where you are coming from…
I totally hear what you are saying…
I’m sorry but…
Finish the sentence with:
I’m afraid I just can’t help you this time.
that just doesn’t work for me.
I don’t feel comfortable doing that.
So the whole sentence looks like this:
I totally understand why you want me to drive you to the airport but I’m afraid I just can’t help you out this time.
I totally get why you need people to volunteer for the project this weekend but, unfortunately, that just doesn’t work for me.
I totally hear what you are saying but I just don’t feel comfortable doing that.
And if they ask why (which they will) …
Tip #4 Do not give an explanation when you say No.
All of the above are complete sentences.
When you give explanations, you are inviting the person to a debate. They will come back at you with why your explanation isn’t valid or good enough.
Which leads to my final tip:
Tip #5 The Broken Record Technique
The Broken Record Technique is when you say the same thing over and over and over again no matter how the other person responds.
Friend: I want you to go out with me tonight.
You: (in a calm but firm voice) I don’t want to go out tonight.
Friend: Oh come on, I really want you to go out with me.
You: I know you really want me to, but I don’t want to go out tonight. (Being empathetic)
Friend: I would go out if you asked me to go. (Guilt)
Me: I’m sure you would, but I don’t want to go out tonight
Friend: I’m going to be really mad at you if you don’t go out with me. (Threatening)
You: I’m sorry you will be angry with me, but I still don’t want to go out tonight.
Typically, a person will ask up to four times and then they will stop.
Practice this with a trusted friend a few times so you will be ready when a real-life opportunity presents itself.
I hope these 5 tips will help move you towards decreasing your People Pleasing behavior. The goal here is to make progress, not be perfect!
PS I am creating an exciting new program called VOICES and it is all about how to find your own True Voice and how to STOP being a People Pleaser. If you want to be on the First To Know list, click below.
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